*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos