They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
You Might Also Like
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Breaking news: