If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs