I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
me irl
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?