[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.