[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.