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I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Möther may I have a snäck
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention