*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The Weeknd is back
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.