My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
CUTE CAT‼︎
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Solving a traffic jam