It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
You Might Also Like
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
hackers play passwordle
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?