2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked