I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
You Might Also Like
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.