“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks