Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
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The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this