when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I just stopped by to water my horse.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.