Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.