30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
They also CAN sing✌️
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend