Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Sponch
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
this isn’t threatening at all
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?