[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Baking is just science you can eat.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
#Caturday
Me trying to look natural in photos
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years