OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”