anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Very good! 👍😂
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.