The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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Art by Pastelkatto
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread