nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.