God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
fired
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.