This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.