my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
The two types of wives
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
A choir of Spring onions
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself