I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
that lip filler tho
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Go hard or stay average
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
May never get over this