I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me checking my bank balance online.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.