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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.