You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.