[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.