The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I occasionally drink every single night.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Meow?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.