If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
i actually laughed 😩
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
There is no try. There is only give up.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.