People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis