You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.