When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Everything reminds me of my ex
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.