definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.