Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
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I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
the icebreaker
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”