My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
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Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I feel attacked.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.