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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?