COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.