You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate