one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child