Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Never be a pizza!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink