I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
wtf is an acronym
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.