Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Breaking news:
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”