I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
inside you are two wolves
This might be the funniest tweet ever
this country is so goddamn polarized
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
broke down and did it
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.