Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.