Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*