if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.